Even though I'm back to school it seems like I can't get away from the pool. This time, though, my inability to leave it isn't work-related. Instead, it deals with where my class is located.
James Madison University was originally founded as an all-women college called The State Normal and Industrial School for Women in 1908. It was a small campus located in the Shenandoah Valley, tiny compared to what it is now. There were only roughly 13 buildings, all of which are still in use today (though all with renovations, while still keeping their original charm). Wilson Hall is the centerpiece of what is known today as The Quad, and if you look at it from there, you'll see Keezell Hall branching off to the right, and Maury Hall to the right. The hall we'll be focusing on today is Keezell.
Back when it first opened, Keezell Hall was the gym, complete with a large pool in the ground floor. Today, the gym is known as UREC, is located across campus (and across the interstate), and yes, it does have a pool. Keezell Hall has been renovated, and now serves as the home of the English and Foreign Language departments. My American Literature Post 1865 class is located in what was originally the well of the pool.
Upon hearing this, I was a little surprised; I'd never known there was a gym here before. However, upon surveying the room once more, it became all too evident to me that indeed this had been a swimming pool. Thus, I resigned myself to "another five months at the pool." As the teacher began her lecture, though, I found my thoughts drifting into a rather interesting direction... a direction I know all to well... a lifeguarding direction. I began thinking about pool chemistry, chlorine and pH. How did they regulate that back then? Did they have chlorine pumps like we have now? If so, how did they work?
While thinking about all of this, I couldn't help but to remember all the chlorine mishaps at Foxcroft. Did the pool here have the same problems as us? Or, maybe I should consider elaborating on what exactly a chlorine mishap is...
Commence Lifeguarding Flashback
It was a June morning when one of my guards, Melissa, and I were cleaning the hairstrainer. Everything had been going well- the pool was clean, the pressure wasn't too high and pool chemistry was perfect. Remaining optimistic, I put the basket in the hairstrainer, primed it, shut it and turned it on as Melissa walked out of the pump room. All of a sudden, a clear liquid starts shooting out of our return valve, and catches Melissa on her leg. She yelps, I yelp and we turn the pump off. Thus, I get the job of calling my supervisor and telling her what's going on.
Me: Hey, we've got a problem over here.
Supervisor: What's going on?
Me: Well, our return valve is shooting clear liquid at us everytime we turn the system on. It wasn't doing this until after we cleaned the hairstrainer.
My supervisor assures me that she'll be at the pool ASAP; leave the system off and run things as normal. Twenty minutes later, she shows up, and I show her what's going on. As soon as I turn off the pump, she gives me a look.
Supervisor: You don't smell that?
Me: Smell what?
Supervisor: That's chlorine spraying out of the tube.
As a lifeguard (and a history major with an interest in WWI) I'm well aware of the dangers of chlorine. It can give you a headache in small doses, knock you out with a large whiff, burn the lining of the lungs and your skin, and yes, it can kill you. All things considered, though, it's not nearly as dangerous as another chemical we have at the pool, muriatic acid, better known as hydrochloric acid (but that's another story for another day).
Immediately, the supervisor set to fixing out problem- the cracked feed tube. I left, and went through rotation. As I was sitting at the gate, my supervisor let me know she got the problem fixed. She leaves, and we continued running the pool. All day, though, we keep smelling chlorine near the pump room. Even I'm smelling it, and that's saying something. Finally, with a shirt over my nose, I go into the pump room and am astonished at what I see.
Chlorine bubbling from the same tube that was fixed earlier, just in a different spot. Sighing, I got and get my cellphone, once again calling my supervisor and letting her know what's up. She comes out and patches it with an all-mighty tool- duct tape. The seal holds (and has held since that day), and we leave at 8 when the pool closes.
Fast Forward 2 Months
I was running off of fumes when I unlocked the gate to the pool on a Friday morning, after attending a manager meeting at the other end of the county. The first thing I'm greeted with as I unlocked the snack shack was a large puddle of chocolate on the floor with ants all over it.
Me: Great. Shit.
Now, not only did I have to open the pool but I had to solve this mystery too. Somedays I hated my job.
Melissa came in, and we opened the pool, with both of us noticing a strong smell of chlorine again. This was weird. I checked all the barrels, the tube and the feed, and nothing was leaking. I decided it was from where I'd refilled the baby pool chlorinator with skimmer sticks earlier.
Two hours later, I finally discovered the source of the chocolate mystery. Our freezer hadn't been shut the entire way, and had slowly defrosted during the night, leaving all ice cream sandwiches to melt. Lovely. I got to clean it all up and move everything to the other freezer. As I was cleaning, I still noticed this chlorine smell. Once again, I checked the tubing, and found nothing wrong. Certainly I wasn't going insane- other lifeguards had mentioned it too. So, why couldn't I find the problem?
6 o'clock rolls around, and I happened to meander into the pump room to look for something. The overwhelming smell of chlorine hits me, and I look down to see the tubing that feeds into the return valve bubbling. Well, good to know that problem's solved. Now, how the hell do we fix it? We'd already cut the tubing once before when it decided to spew chlorine every where.
In the end, our other supervisor had to come fix it. It was patched quickly, though, and everything was Ok.
End Lifeguarding Flashback
So, now I find myself in yet another pool, albeit an emptied and renovated one for academic instead of professional reasons. It's a new place, and eventually, I'll get used to it (and the lack of windows). I don't like the room, and I don't really like the class. Despite it all, I know one thing. At least I won't have to worry about leaking chlorine tubes. :)
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Politcal Heatwave
Thunderstorms have been rolling across the nation recently, and I'm not talking about the weather. It seems that like the temperatures down here in the South, the heat around politics has been rising, and not for the better. With all the debating that's been going on, it seems like now's yet another point in time where it's important to know where you stand in regards to your beliefs. With that thought in mind, I'm going to attempt to do so... to state my political beliefs on a a few topics that I personally think are important (in no particular order).
Universal Health Care
No. No no no no no. My parents work hard, and they deserve the benefits that their companies offer them. They don't take advantage of them, and in my opinion, considering how long they've both been with their respective employers, they deserve their health care benefits. And I plan to work hard and also get a job that offers benefits as well. Why should I have to lower my health care standards for someone else who's unwilling to work and earn health care benefits? Even more, why should the average citizens like my family and I be forced to give up our health care for something substandard while all the government officials get to keep theirs? That's not right, and we all know that. Listen to the people- we don't want this. Don't you government officials dare force us into something that we've spoken out against. And don't you dare attempt to make a hasty decision in regards to this.
Illegal Immigration
How can we afford to offer all these corporate bailouts and stimulus checks but not afford to build a fence across our southern border and keep it maintained and patrolled? Stop the amnesties. Send the illegal immigrants back to wherever they came from. I'm not being racist- when they obtain the proper documents, can effectively communicate in English and actually legally cross the borders, then we can let them stay. Until then, though, they need to stay in their own countries, and we need to keep them there. Close the borders, fill in all the holes. With our economic state right now, we cannot afford to have them here.
Education
Federal government: butt out. Let the states decide how they want to run their education systems. And stop blackmailing the state education systems with this No Child Left Behind bullshit. From what I've seen, it's not really helping anyone. If anything, it's probably hindering more schools. Federal funding for test scores? What the hell kind of system is that? There've already been cases of school districts sending in fraudulent test scores- do you really think that's going to stop? No. It's not. So get your greasy paws off the education systems.
Redistribution of Wealth
Get rid of it. Right now. Personally, this is a crime in and of itself, and I call it stealing. I work hard for my money. I went out and found a steady job. Why should I have to give up my hard-earned cash to some Joe Schmoe who's unwilling to get up off his butt and get a job? You didn't work for this cash, therefore you don't deserve it. Want your share? Get a job. Then we can talk.
US Troops in Iraq
Don't get me wrong- I'm all for bringing our boys home. I've got plenty of family and friends in the military, and I'd hate to see any of them get killed. The fact of the matter is we helped instigate this current situation in Iraq. Therefore, we should help resolve it. It's our responsibility. We cannot leave that country hanging. If anything, that'll make even more nations dislike us. We've got enough enemies out there as it is. We don't need anymore.
Corporate Bailouts
Stop them. Why are you giving money to the companies that put us in our current economic problems? They don't deserve the bail outs. Why don't you focus on putting that money to better uses, like paying off the huge deficit that we have instead of creating even more of one?
Those are just some brief beliefs and observations that I've come up with. Those are my opinions. While they probably aren't thought out as well as they could be, they're better than some beliefs I've heard. Please don't bash or flame them.
I really do urge everyone to sit down and think for a little bit. Figure out your political beliefs. Perhaps it could help cool this political heat wave down some.
Universal Health Care
No. No no no no no. My parents work hard, and they deserve the benefits that their companies offer them. They don't take advantage of them, and in my opinion, considering how long they've both been with their respective employers, they deserve their health care benefits. And I plan to work hard and also get a job that offers benefits as well. Why should I have to lower my health care standards for someone else who's unwilling to work and earn health care benefits? Even more, why should the average citizens like my family and I be forced to give up our health care for something substandard while all the government officials get to keep theirs? That's not right, and we all know that. Listen to the people- we don't want this. Don't you government officials dare force us into something that we've spoken out against. And don't you dare attempt to make a hasty decision in regards to this.
Illegal Immigration
How can we afford to offer all these corporate bailouts and stimulus checks but not afford to build a fence across our southern border and keep it maintained and patrolled? Stop the amnesties. Send the illegal immigrants back to wherever they came from. I'm not being racist- when they obtain the proper documents, can effectively communicate in English and actually legally cross the borders, then we can let them stay. Until then, though, they need to stay in their own countries, and we need to keep them there. Close the borders, fill in all the holes. With our economic state right now, we cannot afford to have them here.
Education
Federal government: butt out. Let the states decide how they want to run their education systems. And stop blackmailing the state education systems with this No Child Left Behind bullshit. From what I've seen, it's not really helping anyone. If anything, it's probably hindering more schools. Federal funding for test scores? What the hell kind of system is that? There've already been cases of school districts sending in fraudulent test scores- do you really think that's going to stop? No. It's not. So get your greasy paws off the education systems.
Redistribution of Wealth
Get rid of it. Right now. Personally, this is a crime in and of itself, and I call it stealing. I work hard for my money. I went out and found a steady job. Why should I have to give up my hard-earned cash to some Joe Schmoe who's unwilling to get up off his butt and get a job? You didn't work for this cash, therefore you don't deserve it. Want your share? Get a job. Then we can talk.
US Troops in Iraq
Don't get me wrong- I'm all for bringing our boys home. I've got plenty of family and friends in the military, and I'd hate to see any of them get killed. The fact of the matter is we helped instigate this current situation in Iraq. Therefore, we should help resolve it. It's our responsibility. We cannot leave that country hanging. If anything, that'll make even more nations dislike us. We've got enough enemies out there as it is. We don't need anymore.
Corporate Bailouts
Stop them. Why are you giving money to the companies that put us in our current economic problems? They don't deserve the bail outs. Why don't you focus on putting that money to better uses, like paying off the huge deficit that we have instead of creating even more of one?
Those are just some brief beliefs and observations that I've come up with. Those are my opinions. While they probably aren't thought out as well as they could be, they're better than some beliefs I've heard. Please don't bash or flame them.
I really do urge everyone to sit down and think for a little bit. Figure out your political beliefs. Perhaps it could help cool this political heat wave down some.
Friday, June 26, 2009
The Letter
Here's another interesting article I was sent by my uncle just earlier this week. It's just some food for thought. Enjoy!
GLENN: I got a letter from a woman in Arizona. She writes an open letter to our nation's leadership: I'm a home grown American citizen, 53, registered Democrat all my life. Before the last presidential election I registered as a Republican because I no longer felt the Democratic Party represents my views or works to pursue issues important to me. Now I no longer feel the Republican Party represents my views or works to pursue issues important to me. The fact is I no longer feel any political party or representative in Washington represents my views or works to pursue the issues important to me. There must be someone. Please tell me who you are. Please stand up and tell me that you are there and that you're willing to fight for our Constitution as it was written. Please stand up now. You might ask yourself what my views and issues are that I would horribly feel so disenfranchised by both major political parties. What kind of nut job am I? Will you please tell me?
Well, these are briefly my views and issues for which I seek representation:
One, illegal immigration. I want you to stop coddling illegal immigrants and secure our borders. Close the underground tunnels. Stop the violence and the trafficking in drugs and people. No amnesty, not again. Been there, done that, no resolution. P.S., I'm not a racist. This isn't to be confused with legal immigration.
Two, the TARP bill, I want it repealed and I want no further funding supplied to it. We told you no, but you did it anyway. I want the remaining unfunded 95% repealed. Freeze, repeal.
Three: Czars, I want the circumvention of our checks and balances stopped immediately. Fire the czars. No more czars. Government officials answer to the process, not to the president. Stop trampling on our Constitution and honor it.
Four, cap and trade. The debate on global warming is not over. There is more to say.
Five, universal healthcare. I will not be rushed into another expensive decision. Don't you dare try to pass this in the middle of the night and then go on break. Slow down!
Six, growing government control. I want states rights and sovereignty fully restored. I want less government in my life, not more. Shrink it down. Mind your own business. You have enough to take care of with your real obligations. Why don't you start there.
Seven, ACORN. I do not want ACORN and its affiliates in charge of our 2010 census. I want them investigated. I also do not want mandatory escrow fees contributed to them every time on every real estate deal that closes. Stop the funding to ACORN and its affiliates pending impartial audits and investigations. I do not trust them with taking the census over with our taxpayer money. I don't trust them with our taxpayer money. Face up to the allegations against them and get it resolved before taxpayers get any more involved with them. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, hello. Stop protecting your political buddies. You work for us, the people. Investigate.
Eight, redistribution of wealth. No, no, no. I work for my money. It is mine. I have always worked for people with more money than I have because they gave me jobs. That is the only redistribution of wealth that I will support. I never got a job from a poor person. Why do you want me to hate my employers? Why ‑‑ what do you have against shareholders making a profit?
Nine, charitable contributions. Although I never got a job from a poor person, I have helped many in need. Charity belongs in our local communities, where we know our needs best and can use our local talent and our local resources. Butt out, please. We want to do it ourselves.
Ten, corporate bailouts. Knock it off. Sink or swim like the rest of us. If there are hard times ahead, we'll be better off just getting into it and letting the strong survive. Quick and painful. Have you ever ripped off a Band‑Aid? We will pull together. Great things happen in America under great hardship. Give us the chance to innovate. We cannot disappoint you more than you have disappointed us.
Eleven, transparency and accountability. How about it? No, really, how about it? Let's have it. Let's say we give the buzzwords a rest and have some straight honest talk. Please try ‑‑ please stop manipulating and trying to appease me with clever wording. I am not the idiot you obviously take me for. Stop sneaking around and meeting in back rooms making deals with your friends. It will only be a prelude to your criminal investigation. Stop hiding things from me.
Twelve, unprecedented quick spending. Stop it now.
Take a breath. Listen to the people. Let's just slow down and get some input from some nonpoliticians on the subject. Stop making everything an emergency. Stop speed reading our bills into law. I am not an activist. I am not a community organizer. Nor am I a terrorist, a militant or a violent person. I am a parent and a grandparent. I work. I'm busy. I'm busy. I am busy, and I am tired. I thought we elected competent people to take care of the business of government so that we could work, raise our families, pay our bills, have a little recreation, complain about taxes, endure our hardships, pursue our personal goals, cut our lawn, wash our cars on the weekends and be responsible contributing members of society and teach our children to be the same all while living in the home of the free and land of the brave.
I entrusted you with upholding the Constitution. I believed in the checks and balances to keep from getting far off course. What happened? You are very far off course. Do you really think I find humor in the hiring of a speed reader to unintelligently ramble all through a bill that you signed into law without knowing what it contained? I do not. It is a mockery of the responsibility I have entrusted to you. It is a slap in the face. I am not laughing at your arrogance. Why is it that I feel as if you would not trust me to make a single decision about my own life and how I would live it but you should expect that I should trust you with the debt that you have laid on all of us and our children. We did not want the TARP bill. We said no. We would repeal it if we could. I am sure that we still cannot. There is such urgency and recklessness in all of the recent spending.
From my perspective, it seems that all of you have gone insane. I also know that I am far from alone in these feelings. Do you honestly feel that your current pursuits have merit to patriotic Americans? We want it to stop. We want to put the brakes on everything that is being rushed by us and forced upon us. We want our voice back. You have forced us to put our lives on hold to straighten out the mess that you are making. We will have to give up our vacations, our time spent with our children, any relaxation time we may have had and money we cannot afford to spend on you to bring our concerns to Washington. Our president often knows all the right buzzword is unsustainable. Well, no kidding. How many tens of thousands of dollars did the focus group cost to come up with that word? We don't want your overpriced words. Stop treating us like we're morons.
We want all of you to stop focusing on your reelection and do the job we want done, not the job you want done or the job your party wants done. You work for us and at this rate I guarantee you not for long because we are coming. We will be heard and we will be represented. You think we're so busy with our lives that we will never come for you? We are the formerly silent majority, all of us who quietly work , pay taxes, obey the law, vote, save money, keep our noses to the grindstone and we are now looking up at you. You have awakened us, the patriotic spirit so strong and so powerful that it had been sleeping too long. You have pushed us too far. Our numbers are great. They may surprise you. For every one of us who will be there, there will be hundreds more that could not come. Unlike you, we have their trust. We will represent them honestly, rest assured. They will be at the polls on voting day to usher you out of office. We have cancelled vacations. We will use our last few dollars saved. We will find the representation among us and a grassroots campaign will flourish. We didn't ask for this fight. But the gloves are coming off. We do not come in violence, but we are angry. You will represent us or you will be replaced with someone who will. There are candidates among us when hewill rise like a Phoenix from the ashes that you have made of our constitution.
Democrat, Republican, independent, libertarian. Understand this. We don't care. Political parties are meaningless to us. Patriotic Americans are willing to do right by us and our Constitution and that is all that matters to us now. We are going to fire all of you who abuse power and seek more. It is not your power. It is ours and we want it back. We entrusted you with it and you abused it. You are dishonorable. You are dishonest. As Americans we are ashamed of you. You have brought shame to us. If you are not representing the wants and needs of your constituency loudly and consistently, in spite of the objections of your party, you will be fired. Did you hear? We no longer care about your political parties. You need to be loyal to us, not to them. Because we will get you fired and they will not save you. If you do or can represent me, my issues, my views, please stand up. Make your identity known. You need to make some noise about it. Speak up. I need to know who you are. If you do not speak up, you will be herded out with the rest of the sheep and we will replace the whole damn congress if need be one by one. We are coming. Are we coming for you? Who do you represent? What do you represent? Listen. Because we are coming. We the people are coming.
Source: The Letter
Saturday, June 6, 2009
The Season Thus Far
"A good lifeguard will mostly stay dry, if using prevention." -Ann Lawton
Though it's only been roughly two weeks, it seems like I've easily slipped back into the role of the lifeguard. I've got the stereotypical tan working (sunglasses tan included) and am most likely smelling like chlorine and sunscreen 24/7 now. Indeed, it seems that summer has begun.
Like I said before, I had a lot of high hopes for this summer, and so far, it appears that many of those hopes can be fulfilled. We've got a good group of guards (for the most part) and as of now, it seems like our relations with the pool committee are holding strong. Sure, we've had our fair share of petty troubles (none of which I'll divulge here), but nothing too major had occurred... knock on wood. In fact, I'd even reckon to say that our pool's looking really good compared to some others out there.
Now, mind you, in returning to the world of lifeguarding, I've slipped into some peculiar habits. For example, instead of being upset when it thunders or rains, I jump up and down for joy. Chemical names, first aid terms, and rather strange jargon (such as the term "pushing") have all become regular vocabulary for me. I have a cynical outlook on life once more, find dry, dark humor in almost every situation, work in an environment that's full of unintentional sexual innuendos, and more often than not, I question the intelligence of some of the people around me. It's Ok, though. This is the type of environment I'm used to. In fact, I think I'd rather be a lifeguard than have any other job.
As the season progresses, I continue to have high hopes. Perhaps this will be the best pool season thus far.
Time will tell.
Though it's only been roughly two weeks, it seems like I've easily slipped back into the role of the lifeguard. I've got the stereotypical tan working (sunglasses tan included) and am most likely smelling like chlorine and sunscreen 24/7 now. Indeed, it seems that summer has begun.
Like I said before, I had a lot of high hopes for this summer, and so far, it appears that many of those hopes can be fulfilled. We've got a good group of guards (for the most part) and as of now, it seems like our relations with the pool committee are holding strong. Sure, we've had our fair share of petty troubles (none of which I'll divulge here), but nothing too major had occurred... knock on wood. In fact, I'd even reckon to say that our pool's looking really good compared to some others out there.
Now, mind you, in returning to the world of lifeguarding, I've slipped into some peculiar habits. For example, instead of being upset when it thunders or rains, I jump up and down for joy. Chemical names, first aid terms, and rather strange jargon (such as the term "pushing") have all become regular vocabulary for me. I have a cynical outlook on life once more, find dry, dark humor in almost every situation, work in an environment that's full of unintentional sexual innuendos, and more often than not, I question the intelligence of some of the people around me. It's Ok, though. This is the type of environment I'm used to. In fact, I think I'd rather be a lifeguard than have any other job.
As the season progresses, I continue to have high hopes. Perhaps this will be the best pool season thus far.
Time will tell.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Indeed, Summer is Here
Lifeguards roasting on an open stand
Sunburn nipping at your nose
Summertime songs being sung by a pump
And folks not dressed up like Eskimos
Everybody knows a Popsicle and some slushies
Help to make the season cool
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow,
Will find it hard to swim today.
They know the pool opens today;
With diving boards and swimming lanes there for their play.
And every single guard is going to stress,
When they learn they need to give another swim test.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although its been said many times, many ways,
Happy Summer to you.
Yes, I took the lyrics to "The Christmas Song" and turned them into a lifeguard song. Blame Zach. He gave me the idea when he was singing "All I want for Christmas is my Own CPR Dummy." Oh the things we'll do when we get bored.
Technically speaking, pool season hasn't officially started yet, and I'm already epically sunburnt. A good sign for the season? I think not.
Despite the seemingly ill omens,I'm rather excited for this summer. From what I can tell, we've got a good set of guards, and I'm ready to see what they can do. I won't lie though- I'm also a little nervous. Then again, I think everyone's a bit nervous at the beginning of the summer. I think things will go well, though.
You know you’re a lifeguard when:
-You are on vacation and at the hotel pool you can’t stop yourself from yelling ‘’ WALK PLEASE’’ to all the uncontrollable kids.
-Even if you haven’t been in the pool for a week, as soon as you sweat, get into the shower, get sprayed, go out in the rain (get wet in anyway) you smell of chlorine.
-All the kids in the pool all become "buddy" or "sweetie".
-You roll your eyes when watching BAYWATCH and feel the urge to explain what the lifeguards are doing wrong to the person next to you. Regardless if they want to hear it or not.
-Pushing people in the pool stops getting funny…seriously… it sucks getting wet and someone could get hurt.
-When’s someone’s hurt, you have the urge to run with your arms stretched out yelling "IT’S OKAY I’M A LIFEGUARD"!
-You roll your eyes when someone gets tapped on the back when chocking.
-It’s weird to see your co-workers in clothes or make-up.
-When someone’s doing CPR in the movies and the victim coughs out the water and breaths, you laugh.
-"save a whistle, blow a lifeguard" is the funniest and most creative pick-up line you’ve ever heard. Ever.
-You forget how loud your voice is.
-Putting a towel around your bathing suit makes it okay for you to walk out in public.
-PA carries, spinal turnovers and removals are suitable party conversations/debates.
-Your hair dresser is starting a petition for you to stop ruining your hair.
-You get upset when someone who’s not a lifeguard has a lifeguard sweatshirt, t-shirt or sweatpants.
-Patrons are not recognizable when clothed.
-You can fix/tighten any goggles without interrupting your scan.
-"Between the nipples" isn’t as dirty as it sounds.
-When the clock is your best friend and your worst enemy.
-You have two minutes left before you go on deck, that’s enough for some food, bathroom break and to finish your magazine article.
-You tell children that run past you in a store to "WALK!"
-You see danger everywhere.
-You know 10 different games to play with a whistle.
-You smell like chlorine, even on your day off.
-30 and 2 means something to you.
-You carry goggles in your car.
-You’ve spent more than $20 on a pair of goggles.
-You require new bathing suits every 3 months.
-All of your suits have the word "guard" on them.
-Men in Speedos don't faze you.(Even old men.)
-A 10 foot pool doesn't seem very deep.
-You dream about people drowning then wake up and think "I performed that rescue wrong!"
-Every time you heard a whistle you jump up and are ready to run.
-Not only do you know how to make mustard gas, but you know exactly where to find the supplies
-You feel the urge to yell "walk" to kids who run....on the playground
-You watch people do CPR on Grey's Anatomy and yell "YOURE DOING IT WRONG!" only to find that no one in the room really cares
-No matter where you are or what time of year it is, you get REALLY excited when you hear thunder
-You feel the urge to tell the lifeguards at pools you swim at that YOU'RE a lifeguard, too...just so they know
-You start most of your sentences with "The other day I was guarding and..."
-You either think playing with muriatic acid is fun, or you've inhaled it on accident and are terrified of it
-You get all your summer reading done by mid-June
-When you go to the pool with your friends, you wanna play sharks-and-minnows, marco polo, and star, because damnit, you watch people do it all day and don't get to join in!
-You get pissed when you see shirts that say "Lifeguard" for sale in Abercrombie
-You get really pissed when the garbage bag falls down in the trash can at home and your dad puts trash in it anyway
-You don't think it's weird to go to work barefoot
-At any point during the summer, you can look in your car and find at least 2 empty water bottles, a semi-wet towel, and suntan lotion
-You wave to the neighborhoods that have pools you've worked at when you drive by.
-you don't put your mouth on the end of the pool noodles that have a hole in them (it's like making out with 500 strangers...)
-being 50% naked at work is normal and not promiscuous
-you naturally smell like chlorine
-you refer to coworkers as "pool people"
-you're disgusted when people who aren't lifeguards wear lifeguard attire (some of them can't even swim!)
-you have to leave a note with your food saying that if someone touches it you will kill them, or it's fair game
-Whoever invented kickboards and noodle floats and gave them to kids had no idea of the repercussions it would have on lifeguards for all of history.
-If you've said it once, you've said it twice: NO F-ING RUNNING!
-Why can't those kids see that there's someone lap swimming in the same lane as their throw-the-ball-at-your-friend's-face game?
-Swim meets. Who raised these kids?
-DON'T MESS WITH ROTATION.
-Whistle spinning is a perfectly acceptable way to whiddle away the hours... unless you work for DA. Then it's a good way to get in trouble.
-Thunderstorms are a gift from above.
-Your sunglasses tan is out of control...as well as the x and o on your back (and don't forget your flipflop tan!).
-Putting up another stand/converting the pool is considered punishment.
-Why can't the 2 kids STILL in the pool see the torrential downpour that is coming down upon your head because they refuse to remove themselves?
-Sometimes, one can't help but judge the lap swimmers' swimming abilities.
-How seriously people take you is equally proportionate to how loud you can blow your whistle.
-You've made mental bets over whether or not that 400 pound lady will break the diving board.
-Watching the teenage boys do tricks off the diving board is your only period of entertainment during the day.
-After a few weeks, it seems like there's no need to put on sunscreen because you know you're too dark to develop a burn.
-Sometimes, there are days when you would pay someone to vomit/have diarrhea in the pool.
-You've tried every kind of shampoo you can find--and still, nothing gets the chlorine out.
-Your boyfriend/girlfriend frequently remarks on how strongly you smell of chlorine.
-F you, Marco Polo...F YOU.
-No, I will not judge your cannonball/diving/biggest splash contest.
-You probably shouldn't expect any swimming technique tips either.
-Rec programs/summer camps are the few hours every day when the devil decides to let his child slaves free.
-Deep end tests.
-Why are the retarded parents always the ones with the wild children?
-The "nose game" is a legitimate means of deciding who will go to the deep end first, who has to clean up vomit in the pool, who has to perform the save, etc...
-We open (and close!) the same time we opened/closed yesterday, and the day before, and ALL F-ING SUMMER, don't ask again!
-The number of times you ask how much longer break is equals how many more minutes we add to break time.
-Apparently, the best time to come to the pool is the last 15 minutes we use to close it down.
-In the pool or out of it? Make up your mind!
-You could have just stayed at home and run through the sprinkler if you wanted to know what it was like to wear clothes in the water.
-You've been lifeguarding so long that you tell kids in walmart to walk.
-You laugh at those "No Lifeguard On Duty" signs at hotel pools, because let’s face it, if you're there, you watch all the kids.
-You perpetuate and embrace standard pool myths.
-I don't swim in your bed, so don't have sex in my pool
Sunburn nipping at your nose
Summertime songs being sung by a pump
And folks not dressed up like Eskimos
Everybody knows a Popsicle and some slushies
Help to make the season cool
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow,
Will find it hard to swim today.
They know the pool opens today;
With diving boards and swimming lanes there for their play.
And every single guard is going to stress,
When they learn they need to give another swim test.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although its been said many times, many ways,
Happy Summer to you.
Yes, I took the lyrics to "The Christmas Song" and turned them into a lifeguard song. Blame Zach. He gave me the idea when he was singing "All I want for Christmas is my Own CPR Dummy." Oh the things we'll do when we get bored.
Technically speaking, pool season hasn't officially started yet, and I'm already epically sunburnt. A good sign for the season? I think not.
Despite the seemingly ill omens,I'm rather excited for this summer. From what I can tell, we've got a good set of guards, and I'm ready to see what they can do. I won't lie though- I'm also a little nervous. Then again, I think everyone's a bit nervous at the beginning of the summer. I think things will go well, though.
You know you’re a lifeguard when:
-You are on vacation and at the hotel pool you can’t stop yourself from yelling ‘’ WALK PLEASE’’ to all the uncontrollable kids.
-Even if you haven’t been in the pool for a week, as soon as you sweat, get into the shower, get sprayed, go out in the rain (get wet in anyway) you smell of chlorine.
-All the kids in the pool all become "buddy" or "sweetie".
-You roll your eyes when watching BAYWATCH and feel the urge to explain what the lifeguards are doing wrong to the person next to you. Regardless if they want to hear it or not.
-Pushing people in the pool stops getting funny…seriously… it sucks getting wet and someone could get hurt.
-When’s someone’s hurt, you have the urge to run with your arms stretched out yelling "IT’S OKAY I’M A LIFEGUARD"!
-You roll your eyes when someone gets tapped on the back when chocking.
-It’s weird to see your co-workers in clothes or make-up.
-When someone’s doing CPR in the movies and the victim coughs out the water and breaths, you laugh.
-"save a whistle, blow a lifeguard" is the funniest and most creative pick-up line you’ve ever heard. Ever.
-You forget how loud your voice is.
-Putting a towel around your bathing suit makes it okay for you to walk out in public.
-PA carries, spinal turnovers and removals are suitable party conversations/debates.
-Your hair dresser is starting a petition for you to stop ruining your hair.
-You get upset when someone who’s not a lifeguard has a lifeguard sweatshirt, t-shirt or sweatpants.
-Patrons are not recognizable when clothed.
-You can fix/tighten any goggles without interrupting your scan.
-"Between the nipples" isn’t as dirty as it sounds.
-When the clock is your best friend and your worst enemy.
-You have two minutes left before you go on deck, that’s enough for some food, bathroom break and to finish your magazine article.
-You tell children that run past you in a store to "WALK!"
-You see danger everywhere.
-You know 10 different games to play with a whistle.
-You smell like chlorine, even on your day off.
-30 and 2 means something to you.
-You carry goggles in your car.
-You’ve spent more than $20 on a pair of goggles.
-You require new bathing suits every 3 months.
-All of your suits have the word "guard" on them.
-Men in Speedos don't faze you.(Even old men.)
-A 10 foot pool doesn't seem very deep.
-You dream about people drowning then wake up and think "I performed that rescue wrong!"
-Every time you heard a whistle you jump up and are ready to run.
-Not only do you know how to make mustard gas, but you know exactly where to find the supplies
-You feel the urge to yell "walk" to kids who run....on the playground
-You watch people do CPR on Grey's Anatomy and yell "YOURE DOING IT WRONG!" only to find that no one in the room really cares
-No matter where you are or what time of year it is, you get REALLY excited when you hear thunder
-You feel the urge to tell the lifeguards at pools you swim at that YOU'RE a lifeguard, too...just so they know
-You start most of your sentences with "The other day I was guarding and..."
-You either think playing with muriatic acid is fun, or you've inhaled it on accident and are terrified of it
-You get all your summer reading done by mid-June
-When you go to the pool with your friends, you wanna play sharks-and-minnows, marco polo, and star, because damnit, you watch people do it all day and don't get to join in!
-You get pissed when you see shirts that say "Lifeguard" for sale in Abercrombie
-You get really pissed when the garbage bag falls down in the trash can at home and your dad puts trash in it anyway
-You don't think it's weird to go to work barefoot
-At any point during the summer, you can look in your car and find at least 2 empty water bottles, a semi-wet towel, and suntan lotion
-You wave to the neighborhoods that have pools you've worked at when you drive by.
-you don't put your mouth on the end of the pool noodles that have a hole in them (it's like making out with 500 strangers...)
-being 50% naked at work is normal and not promiscuous
-you naturally smell like chlorine
-you refer to coworkers as "pool people"
-you're disgusted when people who aren't lifeguards wear lifeguard attire (some of them can't even swim!)
-you have to leave a note with your food saying that if someone touches it you will kill them, or it's fair game
-Whoever invented kickboards and noodle floats and gave them to kids had no idea of the repercussions it would have on lifeguards for all of history.
-If you've said it once, you've said it twice: NO F-ING RUNNING!
-Why can't those kids see that there's someone lap swimming in the same lane as their throw-the-ball-at-your-friend's-face game?
-Swim meets. Who raised these kids?
-DON'T MESS WITH ROTATION.
-Whistle spinning is a perfectly acceptable way to whiddle away the hours... unless you work for DA. Then it's a good way to get in trouble.
-Thunderstorms are a gift from above.
-Your sunglasses tan is out of control...as well as the x and o on your back (and don't forget your flipflop tan!).
-Putting up another stand/converting the pool is considered punishment.
-Why can't the 2 kids STILL in the pool see the torrential downpour that is coming down upon your head because they refuse to remove themselves?
-Sometimes, one can't help but judge the lap swimmers' swimming abilities.
-How seriously people take you is equally proportionate to how loud you can blow your whistle.
-You've made mental bets over whether or not that 400 pound lady will break the diving board.
-Watching the teenage boys do tricks off the diving board is your only period of entertainment during the day.
-After a few weeks, it seems like there's no need to put on sunscreen because you know you're too dark to develop a burn.
-Sometimes, there are days when you would pay someone to vomit/have diarrhea in the pool.
-You've tried every kind of shampoo you can find--and still, nothing gets the chlorine out.
-Your boyfriend/girlfriend frequently remarks on how strongly you smell of chlorine.
-F you, Marco Polo...F YOU.
-No, I will not judge your cannonball/diving/biggest splash contest.
-You probably shouldn't expect any swimming technique tips either.
-Rec programs/summer camps are the few hours every day when the devil decides to let his child slaves free.
-Deep end tests.
-Why are the retarded parents always the ones with the wild children?
-The "nose game" is a legitimate means of deciding who will go to the deep end first, who has to clean up vomit in the pool, who has to perform the save, etc...
-We open (and close!) the same time we opened/closed yesterday, and the day before, and ALL F-ING SUMMER, don't ask again!
-The number of times you ask how much longer break is equals how many more minutes we add to break time.
-Apparently, the best time to come to the pool is the last 15 minutes we use to close it down.
-In the pool or out of it? Make up your mind!
-You could have just stayed at home and run through the sprinkler if you wanted to know what it was like to wear clothes in the water.
-You've been lifeguarding so long that you tell kids in walmart to walk.
-You laugh at those "No Lifeguard On Duty" signs at hotel pools, because let’s face it, if you're there, you watch all the kids.
-You perpetuate and embrace standard pool myths.
-I don't swim in your bed, so don't have sex in my pool
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Dear Mr. President...
Here's a letter in an email I received recently. Being a Republican on a college campus (that is, unfortunately, overwhelmingly Democratic) it's always nice to see something like this. Mind you, this is not my writing. I am merely posting this as food for thought.
Enjoy.
Mr. Obama:
I have had it with you and your administration, sir. Your conduct on your recent trip overseas has convinced me that you are not an adequate representative of the United States of America collectively or of me personally.
You are so obsessed with appeasing the Europeans and the Muslim world that you have abdicated the responsibilities of the President of the United States of America. You are responsible to the citizens of the United States. You are not responsible to the peoples of any other country on earth.
I personally resent that you go around the world apologizing for the United States telling Europeans that we are arrogant and do not care about their status in the world. Sir, what do you think the First World War and the Second World War were all about if not the consideration of the peoples of Europe? Are you brain dead? What do you think the Marshall Plan was all about? Do you not understand or know the history of the 20th century?
Where do you get off telling a Muslim country that the United States does not consider itself a Christian country? Have you not read the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution of the United States? This country was founded on Judeo-Christian ethics and the principles governing this country, at least until you came along, come directly from this heritage. Do you not understand this?
Your bowing to the king of Saudi Arabia is an affront to all Americans. Our President does not bow down to anyone, let alone the king of Saudi Arabia. You don’t show Great Britain, our best and one of our oldest allies, the respect they deserve yet you bow down to the king of Saudi Arabia. How dare you, sir! How dare you!
You can’t find the time to visit the graves of our greatest generation because you don’t want to offend the Germans but make time to visit a mosque in Turkey. You offended our dead and every veteran when you give the Germans more respect than the people who saved the German people from themselves. What’s the matter with you?
I am convinced that you and the members of your administration have the historical and intellectual depth of a mud puddle and should be ashamed of yourselves, all of you.
You are so self-righteously offended by the big bankers and the American automobile manufacturers yet do nothing about the real thieves in this situation, Mr. Dodd, Mr. Frank, Franklin Raines, Jamie Gorelic, the Fannie Mae bonuses, and the Freddie Mac bonuses. What do you intend to do about them? Anything? I seriously doubt it.
What about the U.S. House members passing out $9.1 million in bonuses to their staff members on top of the $2.5 million in automatic pay raises that lawmakers gave themselves? I understand the average House aide got a 17% bonus. I took a 5% cut in my pay to save jobs with my employer. You haven’t said anything about that. Who authorized that? I surely didn’t!
Executives at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac will be receiving $210 million in bonuses over an eighteen-month period, that's $45 million more than the AIG bonuses. In fact, Fannie and Freddie executives have already been awarded $51 million not a bad take. Who authorized that and why haven’t you expressed your outrage at this group who are largely responsible for the economic mess we have right now.
I resent that you take me and my fellow citizens as brain-dead and not caring about what you idiots do. We are watching what you are doing and we are getting increasingly fed up with all of you. I also want you to know that I personally find just about everything you do and say to be offensive to every one of my sensibilities. I promise you that I will work tirelessly to see that you do not get a chance to spend two terms destroying my beautiful country.
Sincerely,
Every real American
Enjoy.
Mr. Obama:
I have had it with you and your administration, sir. Your conduct on your recent trip overseas has convinced me that you are not an adequate representative of the United States of America collectively or of me personally.
You are so obsessed with appeasing the Europeans and the Muslim world that you have abdicated the responsibilities of the President of the United States of America. You are responsible to the citizens of the United States. You are not responsible to the peoples of any other country on earth.
I personally resent that you go around the world apologizing for the United States telling Europeans that we are arrogant and do not care about their status in the world. Sir, what do you think the First World War and the Second World War were all about if not the consideration of the peoples of Europe? Are you brain dead? What do you think the Marshall Plan was all about? Do you not understand or know the history of the 20th century?
Where do you get off telling a Muslim country that the United States does not consider itself a Christian country? Have you not read the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution of the United States? This country was founded on Judeo-Christian ethics and the principles governing this country, at least until you came along, come directly from this heritage. Do you not understand this?
Your bowing to the king of Saudi Arabia is an affront to all Americans. Our President does not bow down to anyone, let alone the king of Saudi Arabia. You don’t show Great Britain, our best and one of our oldest allies, the respect they deserve yet you bow down to the king of Saudi Arabia. How dare you, sir! How dare you!
You can’t find the time to visit the graves of our greatest generation because you don’t want to offend the Germans but make time to visit a mosque in Turkey. You offended our dead and every veteran when you give the Germans more respect than the people who saved the German people from themselves. What’s the matter with you?
I am convinced that you and the members of your administration have the historical and intellectual depth of a mud puddle and should be ashamed of yourselves, all of you.
You are so self-righteously offended by the big bankers and the American automobile manufacturers yet do nothing about the real thieves in this situation, Mr. Dodd, Mr. Frank, Franklin Raines, Jamie Gorelic, the Fannie Mae bonuses, and the Freddie Mac bonuses. What do you intend to do about them? Anything? I seriously doubt it.
What about the U.S. House members passing out $9.1 million in bonuses to their staff members on top of the $2.5 million in automatic pay raises that lawmakers gave themselves? I understand the average House aide got a 17% bonus. I took a 5% cut in my pay to save jobs with my employer. You haven’t said anything about that. Who authorized that? I surely didn’t!
Executives at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac will be receiving $210 million in bonuses over an eighteen-month period, that's $45 million more than the AIG bonuses. In fact, Fannie and Freddie executives have already been awarded $51 million not a bad take. Who authorized that and why haven’t you expressed your outrage at this group who are largely responsible for the economic mess we have right now.
I resent that you take me and my fellow citizens as brain-dead and not caring about what you idiots do. We are watching what you are doing and we are getting increasingly fed up with all of you. I also want you to know that I personally find just about everything you do and say to be offensive to every one of my sensibilities. I promise you that I will work tirelessly to see that you do not get a chance to spend two terms destroying my beautiful country.
Sincerely,
Every real American
Friday, May 1, 2009
Face it, I Never Actually Learned this Stuff
I read an interesting article in The Breeze earlier today. It was talking about finals, and student's reactions to them. There was one part in it that actually made me laugh out loud, a dangerous feat to attempt while sitting in a dorm that is currently under "23 hour Quiet Hours."
Part of the article's argument was that the only reason professors give finals is to torture their students for one last week before they get let loose for the summer. It included something about them being jealous of the student's youth and vigor (after all, who wouldn't be jealous of someone who can party the entire night, and then still show up to class hungover with their paper written... please note the sarcasm there). While I do partially buy into the torturing the students argument, I really do believe that finals have some importance. Mind you, I'm writing this when I technically should be studying for the 8 AM history final I have tomorrow morning, but that's another story.
All too often it seems that students who get to go to college begin to feel entitled to a good grade. They feel that just because they show up for class and are barely attentive they deserve a passing grade for the course. However, I feel that finals are a good way of separating those who care about their grade from those who don't, though I'd believe that task can get a little difficult during the one week every kid wants to just go home. Like several of my professors said, the final can be used to bump you [the student] up that one letter grade that you need. It can be the ultimate deciding factor over whether you get D or a C, an A or a B.
So, while you're sitting there, cursing all your professors under your breath as you cram for that Chemistry final, remember that while they seem stupid at the moment, these mind-raping, soul-killing, hope-withering tests are actually useful. Maybe it'll give you the extra oomph to study more to get that A you know you can earn.
Part of the article's argument was that the only reason professors give finals is to torture their students for one last week before they get let loose for the summer. It included something about them being jealous of the student's youth and vigor (after all, who wouldn't be jealous of someone who can party the entire night, and then still show up to class hungover with their paper written... please note the sarcasm there). While I do partially buy into the torturing the students argument, I really do believe that finals have some importance. Mind you, I'm writing this when I technically should be studying for the 8 AM history final I have tomorrow morning, but that's another story.
All too often it seems that students who get to go to college begin to feel entitled to a good grade. They feel that just because they show up for class and are barely attentive they deserve a passing grade for the course. However, I feel that finals are a good way of separating those who care about their grade from those who don't, though I'd believe that task can get a little difficult during the one week every kid wants to just go home. Like several of my professors said, the final can be used to bump you [the student] up that one letter grade that you need. It can be the ultimate deciding factor over whether you get D or a C, an A or a B.
So, while you're sitting there, cursing all your professors under your breath as you cram for that Chemistry final, remember that while they seem stupid at the moment, these mind-raping, soul-killing, hope-withering tests are actually useful. Maybe it'll give you the extra oomph to study more to get that A you know you can earn.
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