The Luckiest

I've been going through an interesting stage of life and self-discovery for the past couple of weeks. It's been rather interesting, too. But, I guess I should start from the beginning.

I've never been a very religious person. I mean, I was raised in the Methodist Church, baptized in the Methodist Church, confirmed in the Methodist Church. But, I guess the idea of religion never really took to me... or perhaps I distanced myself from it at some point. Either way, somewhere a long the way, I "stopped being Christian."

Now, this is not to say I was an atheist. No, I wasn't an atheist. I'd say I was more... agnostic. I believed that there was some guiding force out there. I believed that there was some form of intervention. I just wasn't sure what it was.

Perhaps this whole journey began back in my sophomore year of high school. See, I had a Sunday School teacher whom everyone loved and enjoyed being around... except for me. I didn't agree with what he taught, nor did I really agree with how he taught it. And this all just happened to coincide with several events that affected the youth group I went to. I guess the combination of these events led to my rejection of what they were attempting to teach me. I still went to church on Sundays, but it was reluctantly, and with great frustration (and by my senior year of high school, it usually involved a big fight as well). I still went to youth group, and I even became the president of the youth group during my senior year (a grand total of.... 10 people! And that's on a good day), but I didn't enjoy what I was doing.

It probably didn't help that I had a personal crisis during my senior year. See, I've never been a very emotional person. That's not something I like to delve into. I compartmentalize things... tuck them neatly into their little boxes where they're supposed to stay. And in the beginning of my senior year, my entire world was rocked.

My Poppy died during the first week of school my senior year after a long battle with Congestive Heart Failure. For five years, I watched him fight this condition, and it was always one step forward and two steps back with him. And for those five years, I constantly wrestled with one question- how could a God who's supposed to be so merciful cause my Poppy so much pain and suffering? Poppy had never done anything wrong; why was he the one to go through this?

Throughout my senior year, I continued to grapple with this question. And in the meantime, I was forced to confront my own mortality and my own emotions. I'll admit it- I was bitter after Poppy died. I was depressed after Poppy died. Hell, truth be told, I'll still bitter, and to an extent, I'm still depressed. And strong emotions like grief and I don't do well together. We butt heads because grief needs to be fully expressed before one can accept it and go on, and I simply did not want to deal with that. I wanted the grief to get tucked in its little box in the back of my head.

As my senior year went on, I found that I gained no comfort in anything. My parents couldn't comfort me because more often than not, we were at each other's throats. I couldn't bury myself in school work or actual work because eventually, I'd run out of things to do. I couldn't attempt to supress my emotions with running because running can only block out but so much. And I couldn't find comfort in religion because I was constantly questioning it.

Eventually summer came, and my parents couldn't force me to go to church because I was working most Sundays. May led to June, which in turn led to July and August, and eventually I found myself up at college. At Student Org Night, I gravitated towards the Wesley Foundation table out of sheer habit; after all, being raised a Methodist, it was only natural that I checked out the Methodist organization that was on campus. But I never went to any of their events or meetings. And when I was home, I only went to church on holidays, like Good Friday or Easter. Once more, I found myself home for summer, and once again, I was working most Sundays. However, I noticed a new trend- my parents had stopped going to church. This puzzled me. Here were the people who just a year ago had forced me to go to an institution I hated with a passion, and yet they were sleeping in every Sunday morning. I took it with a grain of salt, though. They were adults; they could make their own decisions. Instead, I took to working all the time, occasionally pausing to consider the possibility of religion.

Now, I find myself back up at school again. A week ago, I decided to take a leap and go to the Wesley Foundation's Tuesday evening Bible Study. The next day, I found myself hauling my tired bones out of bed at 06:30 AM to go to 08:00 AM Communion. I was shocked at how I was treated, but in a good way. The members of the Wesley Foundation welcomed me with open arms. They knew I was grappling with the idea of God and Jesus and whatnot, and yet they still welcomed me. And truth be told, I'm still in awe of it. I'm in awe of it, but I'm also thankful.

I'm still wrestling with the idea of religion as I write this post. I'm sure I'll be wrestling with it for a long time after this. After all, I'm the logical person in my family. It's only natural that I attempt to understand something that I truly can't. But for now, I'm Ok with it. See, I think I've found a place where I can voice my opinions and questions without prejudice. I think I've found a group of people that I can talk to and trust. I think that maybe, just maybe, I've found a community.

And for that, I am thankful. Truly, deeply, utterly and completely thankful.

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw Your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest.
-Ben Folds, "The Luckiest"

Insanity At Its Finest

Main Entry: in·san·i·ty
Pronunciation: \in-ˈsa-nə-tē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural in·san·i·ties
Date: 1590

1 : a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder (as schizophrenia)
2 : such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one from criminal or civil responsibility
3 a : extreme folly or unreasonableness b : something utterly foolish or unreasonable
4 : doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results

My friends and I were the definition of insanity earlier tonight. After all, who'll drag two guys and a middle school-aged child down into the kitchen and make brownies? Absolute and complete insanity!

I guess I ought to start from the beginning. This weekend was family weekend at my school, so we had a lot of guests up here. My suitemate's younger sister came up and was staying with her, so we decided that we were going to make brownies. Friday night, we began the preparations, "we" being me, my suitemate Lauren, her roommate, Stephanie, and our friend, Logan. We all piled into Logan's car and drove over to Wal-Mart. Logan bought a Snuggie and a Nerf gun, I bought Apples to Apples and The Chronicles of Riddick, and Lauren bought brownie supplies (including the Perfect Brownie pan- As seen on TV). After running around Wal-Mart and scaring a few fellow customers, we decided it was time to head back to campus. It was only when we got back to our dorm that we realized that we forgot two crucial ingredients for our brownies- oil and eggs. No one wanted to go buy them from the convenience store on campus; after all, they charge an arm and a leg for EVERYTHING! So, we decided to wait until the next day to go get the supplies.

Fast forward 24 hours, and we're back at Wal-Mart again. Lauren's younger sister had arrived earlier in the day, so she'd joined us for our trip. Immediately, she and Logan get to bickering back and forth (in a nice, slightly humorous way). And oh was it funny. Logan got owned by her! I swear, I don't think I've ever laughed so much in my life!

Eventually, we get all of our supplies and make our way back to campus. As I head to go get the kitchen key from the RA on duty, the rest of the group goes to rally the troops and meet me down there. When I get to the kitchen, I find that we've been joined by Lauren's roommate, Stephanie, and Logan's roommate, Spencer. As I walk into the kitchen, Lauren pulls me aside, telling me everyone's in the cabinets. Well, sure enough, Logan's hiding in the tall one that runs from the floor to the ceiling. Spencer's somehow managed to stuff himself into a tiny cabinet under the sink and Stephanie's in another small cabinet across the kitchen. Immediately, I could tell this was going to be interesting.

As we got ready to make the brownies, we realized that we epically failed in the planning department, as we had no bowl to mix the batter in, nor did we have anything to mix it with. Eventually, we got a pot from the RA and I found a spoon and fork in my room that were clean. I ended taking over the measuring duties, Stephanie mixed everything and Lauren's sister watched us like a hawk, waiting for one of us to give her the bowl to lick after we were done with it. Lauren poured the batter into her "Perfect Brownie" pan, and Logan made makeshift oven mits with the box (another oversight of ours) while Spencer stole Stephanie's flipflops and she chased him all around the basement trying to get it back. In the middle of all this, Lauren's sister finally got her wish, and was perched happily on the counter doing nothing other than licking the bowl.

With the brownies now in the oven, we did what any college student would do on a Saturday night- hang out in the study lounge. Mind you, it was completely empty (thank goodness). As we waited, we found our own different ways to entertain ourselves. Logan and Spencer took to ambushing any misfortunate soul who happened to venture down into the study lounge with their soda bottles. When they weren't ambushing people, Spencer continued to steal Stephanie's flip-flops. Lauren, Lauren's sister and I did the Cupid Shuffle (though I did mine in the traditional Midlothian style, much to their confusion). And Logan continued to be tormented by Lauren's sister. In short, it was just another normal Saturday night.

Eventually, we checked the brownies (Logan got burnt while taking them out, and then got burnt again when putting them back in after Lauren and I decided that they weren't done enough). So, we went back to creating chaos in the study lounge again. I've got to be honest- I've never had to much fun in the study lounge before. Logan and Spencer were running around like lunatics, Lauren and I were laughing at them, and in general, it was just a great night.

After a few more minutes, we checked the brownies and decided that they were done. This only added even more chaos, as we were all attempting to get brownies (om nom nom nom nom nom... inside joke, sorry). With our baked-goods craving satisfied, we continued to create chaos in the study lounge. All good things must come to an end, though, and soon enough, we were all tired and ready to go to bed. I know, it's amazing! Who would've thought that college kids could get tired?

But, yeah. That was my Saturday night. It was completely crazy, and truth be told, you probably had to be there in order to realize just how great it was. All I can say is that I've got the best friends here, and this past weekend was probably one of the best weekends I've ever had. :)

25 Things

A while back, these "25 Things" notes were floating around on Facebook, clogging up users feeds with new stories from their friends. Now, I never posted one of these things, but I have written a few of them (I think I really have 100 random things saved somewhere). Anyway, I've decided to post one of my lists here, just for the heck of it. So, here it goes. My 25 things.

1) When I played softball, I rolled down the top of my right sock for good luck
2) This habit of rolling my right sock down eventually led me to win 3 championships in 6 years.
3) If I ever disappear in a store like Wal-Mart or Target, chances are you can find me in the books or TV on DVD section
4) I tend to be really intuitive to the point of knowing when something bad is going to happen before it actually occurs
5) Call it a gut feeling, an ability to read body language, or an extension of this whole intuition thing, but I also tend to know how someone is feeling before I talk to them.
6) I think it'd be really sweet if I could beat-box
7) My sense of humor tends to be very dry and twisted. As a result, I'm often the one laughing at inappropriate moments.
8) I know how to operate a really complex pump system for a pool, but often get confused when doing simple things (like using a microwave)
9) I'm pretty convinced that I suffer from undiagnosed ADD
10) I respect the members of our military with every fiber in my being and wish I was tough enough to do what they do and make the sacrifices they make
11) "She Don't Want The World" by 3 Doors Down makes me want to cry
12) For a year, I couldn't listen to the song "Without You" from RENT because it made me think of my Poppy
13) Sarcasm is my second language
14) And George Carlin is my favorite comedian
15) I am absolutely clueless when it comes to doing math. Seriously, I am
16) I have a horrible habit of picking at my cuticles/nails when I'm nervous or uncomfortable
17) I get really frustrated when people are lazy, incompetent or just plain ignorant.
18) I also have an extremely low bullshit tolerance
19) My dad and I are similar in more ways than I'd like to admit, but it's Ok. We have a lot of interesting conversations (mostly about politics)
20) Speaking of my dad, I've learned more from him that I have from all of my teachers/professors combined. I don't know what I'd do without him
21) I am a libertarian and believe that our government needs to undergo a complete overhaul and return to the original ways of the constitution
22) I have little sympathy for people who refuse to get up off their asses and work for what they want, and then complain about everything
23) If a good song is playing on the radio while I'm in the car, chances are I'll start dancing. And I'm not a good dancer.
24) My favorite TV shows are NCIS, Bones, Fringe and Heroes
25) I'm a sucker for the guy next door. I'm also a sucker for a man in uniform, and a guy with pretty eyes.