Indeed, Summer is Here

Lifeguards roasting on an open stand
Sunburn nipping at your nose
Summertime songs being sung by a pump
And folks not dressed up like Eskimos

Everybody knows a Popsicle and some slushies
Help to make the season cool
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow,
Will find it hard to swim today.

They know the pool opens today;
With diving boards and swimming lanes there for their play.
And every single guard is going to stress,
When they learn they need to give another swim test.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although its been said many times, many ways,
Happy Summer to you.

Yes, I took the lyrics to "The Christmas Song" and turned them into a lifeguard song. Blame Zach. He gave me the idea when he was singing "All I want for Christmas is my Own CPR Dummy." Oh the things we'll do when we get bored.

Technically speaking, pool season hasn't officially started yet, and I'm already epically sunburnt. A good sign for the season? I think not.

Despite the seemingly ill omens,I'm rather excited for this summer. From what I can tell, we've got a good set of guards, and I'm ready to see what they can do. I won't lie though- I'm also a little nervous. Then again, I think everyone's a bit nervous at the beginning of the summer. I think things will go well, though.

You know you’re a lifeguard when:
-You are on vacation and at the hotel pool you can’t stop yourself from yelling ‘’ WALK PLEASE’’ to all the uncontrollable kids.
-Even if you haven’t been in the pool for a week, as soon as you sweat, get into the shower, get sprayed, go out in the rain (get wet in anyway) you smell of chlorine.
-All the kids in the pool all become "buddy" or "sweetie".
-You roll your eyes when watching BAYWATCH and feel the urge to explain what the lifeguards are doing wrong to the person next to you. Regardless if they want to hear it or not.
-Pushing people in the pool stops getting funny…seriously… it sucks getting wet and someone could get hurt.
-When’s someone’s hurt, you have the urge to run with your arms stretched out yelling "IT’S OKAY I’M A LIFEGUARD"!
-You roll your eyes when someone gets tapped on the back when chocking.
-It’s weird to see your co-workers in clothes or make-up.
-When someone’s doing CPR in the movies and the victim coughs out the water and breaths, you laugh.
-"save a whistle, blow a lifeguard" is the funniest and most creative pick-up line you’ve ever heard. Ever.
-You forget how loud your voice is.
-Putting a towel around your bathing suit makes it okay for you to walk out in public.
-PA carries, spinal turnovers and removals are suitable party conversations/debates.
-Your hair dresser is starting a petition for you to stop ruining your hair.
-You get upset when someone who’s not a lifeguard has a lifeguard sweatshirt, t-shirt or sweatpants.
-Patrons are not recognizable when clothed.
-You can fix/tighten any goggles without interrupting your scan.
-"Between the nipples" isn’t as dirty as it sounds.
-When the clock is your best friend and your worst enemy.
-You have two minutes left before you go on deck, that’s enough for some food, bathroom break and to finish your magazine article.
-You tell children that run past you in a store to "WALK!"
-You see danger everywhere.
-You know 10 different games to play with a whistle.
-You smell like chlorine, even on your day off.
-30 and 2 means something to you.
-You carry goggles in your car.
-You’ve spent more than $20 on a pair of goggles.
-You require new bathing suits every 3 months.
-All of your suits have the word "guard" on them.
-Men in Speedos don't faze you.(Even old men.)
-A 10 foot pool doesn't seem very deep.
-You dream about people drowning then wake up and think "I performed that rescue wrong!"
-Every time you heard a whistle you jump up and are ready to run.
-Not only do you know how to make mustard gas, but you know exactly where to find the supplies
-You feel the urge to yell "walk" to kids who run....on the playground
-You watch people do CPR on Grey's Anatomy and yell "YOURE DOING IT WRONG!" only to find that no one in the room really cares
-No matter where you are or what time of year it is, you get REALLY excited when you hear thunder
-You feel the urge to tell the lifeguards at pools you swim at that YOU'RE a lifeguard, too...just so they know
-You start most of your sentences with "The other day I was guarding and..."
-You either think playing with muriatic acid is fun, or you've inhaled it on accident and are terrified of it
-You get all your summer reading done by mid-June
-When you go to the pool with your friends, you wanna play sharks-and-minnows, marco polo, and star, because damnit, you watch people do it all day and don't get to join in!
-You get pissed when you see shirts that say "Lifeguard" for sale in Abercrombie
-You get really pissed when the garbage bag falls down in the trash can at home and your dad puts trash in it anyway
-You don't think it's weird to go to work barefoot
-At any point during the summer, you can look in your car and find at least 2 empty water bottles, a semi-wet towel, and suntan lotion
-You wave to the neighborhoods that have pools you've worked at when you drive by.
-you don't put your mouth on the end of the pool noodles that have a hole in them (it's like making out with 500 strangers...)
-being 50% naked at work is normal and not promiscuous
-you naturally smell like chlorine
-you refer to coworkers as "pool people"
-you're disgusted when people who aren't lifeguards wear lifeguard attire (some of them can't even swim!)
-you have to leave a note with your food saying that if someone touches it you will kill them, or it's fair game
-Whoever invented kickboards and noodle floats and gave them to kids had no idea of the repercussions it would have on lifeguards for all of history.
-If you've said it once, you've said it twice: NO F-ING RUNNING!
-Why can't those kids see that there's someone lap swimming in the same lane as their throw-the-ball-at-your-friend's-face game?
-Swim meets. Who raised these kids?
-DON'T MESS WITH ROTATION.
-Whistle spinning is a perfectly acceptable way to whiddle away the hours... unless you work for DA. Then it's a good way to get in trouble.
-Thunderstorms are a gift from above.
-Your sunglasses tan is out of control...as well as the x and o on your back (and don't forget your flipflop tan!).
-Putting up another stand/converting the pool is considered punishment.
-Why can't the 2 kids STILL in the pool see the torrential downpour that is coming down upon your head because they refuse to remove themselves?
-Sometimes, one can't help but judge the lap swimmers' swimming abilities.
-How seriously people take you is equally proportionate to how loud you can blow your whistle.
-You've made mental bets over whether or not that 400 pound lady will break the diving board.
-Watching the teenage boys do tricks off the diving board is your only period of entertainment during the day.
-After a few weeks, it seems like there's no need to put on sunscreen because you know you're too dark to develop a burn.
-Sometimes, there are days when you would pay someone to vomit/have diarrhea in the pool.
-You've tried every kind of shampoo you can find--and still, nothing gets the chlorine out.
-Your boyfriend/girlfriend frequently remarks on how strongly you smell of chlorine.
-F you, Marco Polo...F YOU.
-No, I will not judge your cannonball/diving/biggest splash contest.
-You probably shouldn't expect any swimming technique tips either.
-Rec programs/summer camps are the few hours every day when the devil decides to let his child slaves free.
-Deep end tests.
-Why are the retarded parents always the ones with the wild children?
-The "nose game" is a legitimate means of deciding who will go to the deep end first, who has to clean up vomit in the pool, who has to perform the save, etc...
-We open (and close!) the same time we opened/closed yesterday, and the day before, and ALL F-ING SUMMER, don't ask again!
-The number of times you ask how much longer break is equals how many more minutes we add to break time.
-Apparently, the best time to come to the pool is the last 15 minutes we use to close it down.
-In the pool or out of it? Make up your mind!
-You could have just stayed at home and run through the sprinkler if you wanted to know what it was like to wear clothes in the water.
-You've been lifeguarding so long that you tell kids in walmart to walk.
-You laugh at those "No Lifeguard On Duty" signs at hotel pools, because let’s face it, if you're there, you watch all the kids.
-You perpetuate and embrace standard pool myths.
-I don't swim in your bed, so don't have sex in my pool