So Tired I Could Cry

Warning: This post is being written purely for cathartic reasons. A massive rant is about to commence. If you are faint of heart, easily scared, or just don't care, then I suggest you look away... Now.

It is currently 02:40 AM EST. And I am still awake. I still have history work to do, poli sci to study, and a GKIN100 fitness log to bs. And I am nowhere near done with my work. In less than four hours, I have to wake up to make it to my hellacious 8 AM, where I will do absolutely nothing aside from bust my ass as I walk to class because my college is too fucking stupid to put a delay on classes. And as I'm walking to class, I'm going to be freezing my ass off because it hasn't gotten above freezing here for the past week. Yes, the past week. I am finding that no matter how diligent I am about managing my time, there is still not enough time in the day for me to get everything done. Thus, I feel like I am constantly playing a game of catch-up, trying to keep up with everything as my studies slowly slip away.

Did I mention that I'm so tired I could cry? Yeah, I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. There is nothing I want to do more than taking a coma, waking up, and doing something completely and totally unhealthy and self-indulgent. But, I can't. My friends need me, and my stupid big heart won't allow myself one second of me-time. My suitemate has even pointed out that I attempt to please everyone (not in a sycophant sort of way, mind you), and I don't allow myself a chance to decompress. Due to everything that's going on, I've lost all patience with humanity (not to mention all hope) and I'm pretty sure m mental state is close to breaking point... worse than it was last semester even. No wonder I feel like a bitch all the time.

Now, you may argue that I can take some time to relax this weekend. Wrong. I can't do that because of a fucking HIST395 midterm that I have due next Tuesday. Seriously, the History Department wasn't kidding when they made the shirts say, "I Survived History 395." And, as I watch my friends with their respective majors, I can't help but to wonder if I'm some sick sort of masochist for putting myself through this hell.

Seriously, I feel like a puff of air could shatter my very being. I really want to turn to my parents... ask for something like a little care package or some advice, but to do that would mean appearing weak, and I can't appear weak. I WILL NOT appear weak. So, I have to keep all complaints and problems to myself. Besides, they've got enough to deal with as it is. They don't need my shit added to that.

My friends can't really help either. They'll probably tell me their own sob stories, try to convince me that I really don't have it that bad. They'll probably tell me to suck it up and deal. Thing is, I've been doing that for so long... days, weeks, months... hell, I feel like I've been doing it for years. But hey, how much damage can one more day of sucking it up and dealing possibly do? After all, it's not like I can really do anything else.

So, this is me, shoving all my problems to the back of my mind. This is me pretending that everything is hunky-dory. See that smile? Yeah, it's fake as shit. But who cares, so long as a complaint doesn't pass from my lips. It's Ok. Ignore me. I'll be fine. See, really, I'm fine.

...

I swear, if I survive this semester, it'll be a miracle.